WARNING: The following post comes with no filter; I am about to tell you exactly how I really feel. If you are a sensitive person, are easily offended, you think your feelings might get hurt, or you loved being pregnant and think it is the greatest time of a woman’s life you should turn this off right now….
Cause apparently I’m pregnant.
And I’m telling you this for a few reasons:
Reason number one so you understand why I am not teaching as many classes these days. People are such assholes when I take time off, always asking me where I’ve been when they miss me one day – as if I’ve been off yachting in St. Tropez. Well the last 3 months I’ve been at home eating, sleeping and riding the Gravitron. I have restless legs that keep me up all night, I am exhausted all day and every time I eat I get nauseous (although that hasn’t stopped me from pigging out like a wild boar). For the record, I am still teaching more classes than the ”average” fitness instructor does, which is 10-12 a week.
Reason number two so that you know why my ass looks so fat… No, I am not ‘letting it slide’ apparently the baby likes to have some cushion underneath it. Funnily enough before I found out that I’m pregnant I was like WTF is going on why are my hips spreading so far apart?!?!
And finally the number three reason why I am telling you this…. So that anyone who has been affected either directly or indirectly by my rapid fire machine gun hormones can understand that I am sorry, and I didn’t mean it. That explains why I may have threatened to kill you or cut off all of your hair over the last 3 months….
No, not everyone is a psychopath when they are pregnant. You’re right about that. My best friend is also pregnant and she LOVES it. Lets understand that everyone is different, she is a skinny bitch, and for me getting pregnant has been like being hit by a train.
I used to run pretty wild and free, like a brumby… My life revolved around snow skiing and soccer, hot tubs, hot baths and hot yoga, wine and Caesars, riding bikes around town recklessly - basically doing whatever I want, wherever I want, whenever I want with whoever I want to do it with. All of which are outlawed for pregnant chicks and even if I could do that stuff I am so freakin ‘ exhausted I don’t think I’d have the energy. Now I’m more like a bear in hibernation…. Thanks to this little hitch hiker I feel like I’m dragging around a bag of hammers all day.
God all I want is to do some hot yoga and have a cold Caesar.
A few other things to understand about newly pregnant Stacy:
Stacy doesn’t want a hug.
Stacy doesn’t want to see your ”awe-that’s-so-cute” face or hear your super heartfelt ”congratulations”.
Stacy doesn’t want you to ask ”how do you feel?” with your head cocked to the side like she’s a toddler with an ear ache.
Some more useful information…
When you’re hanging out with a pregnant chick and there are kids nearby screaming at the top of their lungs (even if they are YOUR kids) you DO NOT point it out and say ”that’s what you have to look forward to”, unless you’re an asshole and you want to be slapped.
I don’t plan to raise a whiney brat who runs around naked screaming at the top of their lungs, throwing fits because they don’t get their way. Those of you who smirk and think ”good luck with that” as you read this can most definitely keep those thoughts to yourself.
DONT EVER TOUCH MY BELLY. EVER!!! NO exceptions.
Moving right along then.
My girlfriend the other night was texting me, asking me how I was gonna tell everybody that I’m pregnant. I told her in a blog. She said I should do a balloon or box reveal? With blue an pink and white?!? I told her I don’t even know what a balloon or box reveal is… She went on to explain it to me what it was and I cringed. Nah. This girl doesn’t do that stuff. No maternity photos. No gender reveal. And for the record, its the baby’s room not the nursery.
I am continuing on the book I was going to write about PMS. Ironically, it was the day after I announced my great idea to write the PMS book that I found out that I was pregnant. Just when I think I have my life figured out the world throws me another curveball… Obviously now the book will be about being pregnant. Which for me is like PMS on steroids, all day, every day.
Oh ya one more thing, I never did get that last concussion. That was the best excuse, that made sense, that I could come up with as to why I wouldn’t be able to play soccer. Apparently my goal tending skills aren’t that good anyways (get it?).
Sorry for lying about that. It was really hard to do but like I said it was the best thing I could come up with, without giving away that I was pregnant. Which now, is officially official, or as official as it gets at 12 weeks.
Finally, do not assume that because I hate being pregnant that I am going to be a terrible parent. I’m told there is no correlation between the two.
In fact I am going to try my hardest to be a really great parent, because there are already enough asshole parents and screwed up kids in the world.
Seriously, please no comments on this post. I will rip your skin off.
Unless its a great title for my new book. Which needs to be something really catchy…
Yours til the baby’s born,